It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
As shirtless as possible
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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