Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
