it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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