You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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