We got so high we made milksteak
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
