State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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