Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
