Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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