The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize