Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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