Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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