You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize