Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
