Yo dont text me then not text me
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
