Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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