i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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