I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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