my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
