god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize