Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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