Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
