it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
