Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
