You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
