having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
