Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
