Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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