So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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