That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
