I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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