Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
