Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize