Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
