11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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