i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
