Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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