ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
