I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
