Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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