I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
how drunk are you?
Several
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