drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
