Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
