im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
