Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
