mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
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