My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i dont even know how to be here
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
