I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
