hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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