Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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