i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
