I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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