hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
