I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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