Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
