I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
