I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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