Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
