Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
