I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
