my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
