yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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