I CAN MOONWALK!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
