it hurts more in the daytime
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
